November 22nd, 2009
Where to start? I won’t go into detail about the FE (forum encounter) except to say these women are as smart, savvy, funny and beautiful as I imagined and as yesterday’s photos illustrate. It was truly a special gathering of old and new friends.
Afterward brunch and expo, then Kat and Audra come back to my place since they were staying with me. I was so glad they were there, I was able to almost forget about the race and felt in capable hands since they’ve got a lot of marathons between them.
Race morning: Up at 5:15, slug some coffee and my usual peanut butter bread w/banana and get myself ready. I gave my bag for bag check to the girls who offered to carry it so I wouldn’t have to deal with checking it in.
Perfect weather for a race: 44 – 51 and sunny. I’ve got sunglasses on my head, small water bottle in my hand, socks for arm warmers (which I discard after the 1st mile) and 4 gels.
Get to the race area and slide right into my corral (advantages of living 10 minutes from the start line). I’m feeling good, I tell myself this is my day and I believe it. Gun goes off.
First mile 7:53 was slower than I wanted due to the crowd but I’m not worried, lots of time to make that up. The next few miles are pretty much on 7:30 pace but I know it’s not matching my paceband (which accounted for the course elevation, so indicated faster miles here). I decided to ignore my paceband from that point on and just listen to my body. I wanted to try to be as non-negative as possible, though not entirely successful, ignoring the paceband helped.
Mile 8 had a meaty uphill and my pace slowed to 7:50. Mile 9 had another hill and I handled it ok but knew I was probably slower than what the paceband would have had me do. At this point, I just said fuck it and told myself to “run within yourself”. I was already figuring the sub 3:17 was toast and I didn’t want to feel pressured into running badly to make it happen. Wish I’d stuck to that.
I get out on Kelly Drive, feeling alright, then the 3:20 pace group comes up from behind moving faster than I am. I kind of panic seeing how fast they’re going compared to me (I still thought I was in 3:20 land at this point), so I decide to hang on, though I have to speed up some to keep up. That was a major mistake.
The pace leader, incidentally, is an RW forumite as well, Pacer Chris, though he had no idea I was there and wouldn’t have known me if he’d seen me. Nice guy, great pace leader too. I follow him for a couple miles and up the last real hill, Lemon Hill, and I can tell my HR is just way higher than it should be. I hear the people around me talk and they’re very relaxed while I’m not – this is not good. So at mile 14.5 I sadly let them go and return to running my own race. But by now I know it’s too late, this is going to be a looooong race.
Mile 16 is 7:56 (there are no hills here, I just can’t move faster), mile 17 is 8:16. There aren’t any spectators for this portion which makes it very easy to berate myself for realizing that while I want to be competitive in this sport, I’m really just a Giver Upper, I don’t have the “dig deep” gene that a real racer has. I’ve always felt this though, so it’s nothing new, just good to rub it in when I’m feeling low.
Mile 18 is 8:25. I reflect at how, for my first marathon last year, this was to be my race pace (which totally got mangled, just as this one was). Somehow this is amusing and very sour at the same time. At 18.75, with labored breathing and the knowledge that my effort cannot continue, I take my first walking steps.
It feels like sweet relief, my body getting itself back into a manageable machine, albeit somewhat broken. On a strangely positive note, I’d already reached Giver Upper stage but had accepted it, so I didn”t even feel bad anymore about my lost goal, it was a done deal so what was I going to do about it? I know I’ve totally screwed this race so all I can do is try to make it end however I can, which means I end up run/walking the rest of the entire fucking race.
Luckily, I have a Sub 3:20 thread pal’s “voice” ringing in my head, Chris, who told me to relax about PRs and just have fun, so thanks to him and Zab (who sent the sweetest good luck note, also saying “have fun”), I decided that I would not make this a multi-mile self-flogging. I was going to enjoy what I had and smile. The new A goal was to get a marathon PR, knowing I could crawl it in at this point – at least that was a given.
I also made a mini-goal to keep me moving, and that was to try and keep my pace no slower than 9min, so I’d walk until I needed to get the time back in order, then run a tiny bit (not even 2 minute stretches, I don’t think) then walk again. I knew the 3:30 pace group would eventually catch up to me and was kind of hoping I wouldn’t have to see 3:40, but I was pretty much all Fuck It at this point.
I did see a couple of my Women’s BQ pals since there was a long turnaround but couldn’t yell hi back because I’d lost my voice completely, all I had left was a squeak. So the Manayunk portion was endless but I kept smiling and managed to find some humor out of this ridiculous situation.
I ended up covering a lot more ground than 26.22 because tangents were no longer in my guidebook, I had to stick to the right side of the road so I could stay out of the other runners way.
Oh, and the bibs were funny, they had our names on them and unlike Steamtown, when someone said, “you can do it” or “woohoo, great job” and I just wanted to punch them since I was so obviously struggling, this time I thought it was really sweet when people called my name and I waved or smiled in thanks, though kept feeling as if I’d let them down when I began walking again.
At mile 25-something I saw my girls screaming for me, Kat yelled something about where we were supposed to meet but I didn’t hear. I was running when I passed them and wondered if they saw me start walking a bit afterwards. They knew it was bad anyway since I was so behind at this point, but I was actually feeling pretty good, all things considered (mentally, I mean…my feet hurt and my left shin was aching).
As I neared the museum with about 1/2 mile to go, the cutest thing happened. People were loving saying my name, maybe because it’s a funny waitress name, but as I started the last rise I started walking again (seriously, I did that shit for 8 miles) a guy yells out, “c’mon Flo, it’s just 1/4 mile to the top of the hill and you’re there” and there were tons of spectators lining the course, so I waved to the guy, wry grin on my face and started running. Both sides of the crowd started screaming like crazy “yay Flo, wooohoo, Go Flo”, it was surreal. I’ve always said I didn’t care about crowd support but this was something so special, I was grateful like nothing you can believe.
I made it up the rise and I’m really ready to get this party over with so I pick up the pace and of course, at this very point, I feel the Bear knocking on the door. For my non-running friends, the Bear is when you want to shit. I have never, not one single time, in any of my training runs experienced the Bear. But now, when I’m just .25mi from the finish of hell-race, all I can think about is holding my damn sphincter so tight, I could have strangled a baby with my ass. Thankfully (because that would have really been a dramatic finish with or without the baby), I kept the Bear at bay.
I came in at 3:33:59.
So I hobble to a pretzel and am actually amazed that with all that walking the time wasn’t that bad. I’m feeling pretty good about the craziness of the situation and can’t wait to see my girls and talk about it.
But I can’t find them. They have my clothes and my apartment keys.
I end up walking back and forth for an entire hour looking for them. We were all so dumb for not having a plan, I guess we all figured it’d be pretty easy to find each other but there thousands of people. At one point I went to the med tent because I was so cold and asked if I could just stand there for a bit. I borrow the medic guy’s phone to call Nick thinking he has keys to my apartment, plus I left my phone at home so then I could call Audra or Kat and find them that way but he wasn’t answering.
I start getting really depressed and wondering what the hell to do. I was freezing and tired of being on my feet so finally, I found a bit of curb in a middle area and sat, just hoping they’d find me. Like an angel, Nina (one of the Women’s BQ babes) finds me and immediately calls the others like a cop would, “I’ve got her!” She gives me her jacket and I start blubbering. All the tension from the race and me feeling lost and helpless just spilled out.
Of course, it turns out we were all going to the same places, just a few steps behind each other so in no time at all, we’re assembled, the girls hold the space blanket around me and I change in the middle of the throng, feeling much better and warm. We walk to a bar for the apres race gathering (thanks Caroline, you really did a stellar job of all the event planning) and have a great time rehashing.
Everyone is insanely supportive as I know you, my readers, will be. And I was in a great mood after I’d had a Bloody Mary in me, but walking back home, the fatigue and the weight of a failed race became very heavy. My “lemonade out of lemons” feeling that I’d managed to hold on to throughout the hardest part of the race was gone. I just felt and still feel sad.
There are things I realize, like it’s only my 2nd marathon so I shouldn’t be so disheartened, and whatever my body’s been up to these last couple months with the HR was something that wasn’t going to magically disappear even if I did find the cause. The worst part is this feeling of unease of what does it all mean? Where am I, fitness-wise? Have I been fooling myself? Was I pushing the workouts in a false way? It’s painful to think of these things but to simply say “naaa” is just being an ostrich about it.
My immediate plan was to do like last year and spend the next few weeks playing around with 5K workouts and going for a new 5K PR, but I’m feeling so empty right now, like I can’t fight another fight, even if it’s only 3.1 miles. I feel like my training is one big question mark. But I’ll get over it. Glass half full, that’s me.
For my friends, I’m going to hibernate tonight, I don’t want to talk to anyone, so sorry for the unreturned messages and phone calls, I know you get it. You know what I hate though? Is now you’re all going to be so sweet and do like I do when I read a crappy race report, be “great job considering you had to walk blah blah”. But being on this end of it, I just feel a little pathetic about it. So tell me I suck. It’ll make me feel better.
P.S. I want to say hi to Jhowdy, who I saw on the course looking fine, Christine, who was flying, Dave, who was also looking great, JoeShmoe who gave me a needed hug at around mile 23 and thank you Amy (my new self-appointed niece) who gave me the most incredible banana bread and some scented recovery salts in which I just took a long bath – they’re fantastic! Plus all the wonderful BQ Babes: Kat and Audra (my personal race crew), Mir, Tara, Nina, Mary, Amy, Lynn, Jo, Caroline, Jo, Fran, mm64 (sorry for the name forgetting!) and their most excellent hubbies who managed to hang with the chicks and fit right in. Also, a shoutout to Robert, a fellow blogging pal I finally got to meet at the Expo. What a cool culture, this running thing.
Edit: Lest you guys think I’m still in a funk, I’m not!! I felt A-OK the next morning. Read the next entry, Race Wrap Up for my thoughts on the whole thing.
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now you’re all going to be so sweet and do like I do when I read a crappy race report, be “great job considering you had to walk blah blah”. But being on this end of it, I just feel a little pathetic about it. So tell me I suck. It’ll make me feel better.
How about this:
Take what you’re feeling right now. Indulge in the bad feelings for a bit. Beat yourself up. Relive all of the bad parts.
Then remember every bit about how shitty you feel right now. Lock it away somewhere in your mind.
The next race you run, when you face a hard point, pull this feeling right back out, and remember/relive exactly how shitty you felt after Philadelphia. You’ll be able to pull strength from it, and dig deep. This has always worked well for me — I generally race best when fueled by vivid memory of a disappointment. I’ve had some really bad races (outkicked with 50 feet to go by an talented 8 year old! DNFing a 5K!) They’ve become treasures.
Disappointing races can be gifts that help you race better in the future — you just need to learn to see them that way.
I hope this is useful for you. No need to respond.
(Cris — Darkwave from RWOL)
Hey Flo,
Chin up – excellent work today. I experienced everything you are describing here. I was really bummed I couldn’t break 3:50 today (3:50:02), especially when my two running partners both beat me with 3:48s. I feel a bit defeated. I had a similar experience of giving up around mile 20 and then did quite a bit of walking. I felt really awful and this was not the experience I had hoped for after all my hard work this training cycle. The only thing I can say is that your had a huge PR this year and you have must look at how far you have come in one year’s time. That is what I am focusing on. The marathon is quite the difficult beast!! I hate it and love it at the same time. So nice to meet you yesterday and rest well tonight.
Bullshit Flo, you don’t suck. It’s just a tough race and you hit it a little hard in the first half. Maybe yesterday you would have run faster, or maybe tomorrow. Being prepared to have your A game on game day is no simple matter, and then the race is still a long, hard challenge. Meanwhile, negative self talk is never going to help when you’re racing, so that may be something to prepare for in the future.
I think you should basically shut things down for awhile, take it easy until January, then start your Boston progression fresh. It will give you some space to see how you develop your goals.
-Adam
I’ve read your blog on and off for a few months (love the “I just want to BQ” shirt, btw!)…anyway congrats on running a big PR today!-but I do know how you’re feeling right now. Like you, I had a great training cycle leading up to my goal race (MCM) this year and was primed to hit a BQ time, but ITB issues caused me to DNF. Right after that happened I was ok but as time went on…yeah it got to me too. I felt the same things you are-was I kidding myself thinking I could run 3:3x?, was I training wrong, where do I go from here, etc.
I guess there is no easy solution-but just take the time you need to put this race behind you. (I think there was an article in the December Runners World that spoke to this point-a couple of my friends told me about it.) It took me awhile, but I’m starting to look ahead to 2010, thinking of game plans of how to tweak my training, and hoping by this time next year I will have gotten my revenge on the marathon distance-and same to you too! And if a “bad day” is a BQ…still pretty damn good!
Great race, and we should all be thankful we can run the race in the time we do. And you would have beaten me, so great job. What an accomplishment to run a 3:33 marathon!
I’m not the most empathy filled person, but this monster training cycle you just completed will pay huge dividends in the future. Thanks for the Hudson and MSM info. Take solace your info personally got me a huge PR! I’m doing couple easy on Kelly Dr in the morning to get the recovery going before I turn into a tourist. Rest well my friend.
It sounds to me like you did have to dig pretty deep, Flo. This was not a surrender at all. Perhaps we in the 3:20 thread have been pushing you a bit on the goal-setting. Don’t listen to us in the future if your body disagrees. Rest up for a few days before making any plans.
Oh, and hi to the BQ babes, who arrived in the nick of time.
You definitely don’t suck. You just went 17 minutes under BQ which is five minutes better than I did and I don’t feel that bad about my race. I do think the HR should be pursued medically. Wouldn’t surprise me if you are anemic.
Well, I don’t really know you, so I can’t say that YOU suck, but your race did. That’s the friggin’ marathon: you give it your heart and sould for X months of training and it chews them up and spits (or shits) them back at you.
Have your pity party and regroup. If you want my $.02, just ask, but I’m not going to play armchair QB when you’re as raw as you as you are right now.
Looking back on my crappy marathons, I know now that each cycle and each race made me a better runner, until I’m almost finally kinda sorta just about a bit pleased with the runner I am today.
Cheers and hugs, ESG/Ron
You suck. (I hope it makes you feel better) Marathons are bitches… they make us look like an ass sometimes. For me, every time so far. You know my PRs… before I started my last marathon cycle, I just hit an 18:54 5k, then went on to complete 14 weeks of hard training (during sweltering summers in FL) in prep. for my 4th marathon. I still blew up at mile 19… and trudged in to a 3:50… so I completely get what you are saying. I’m not sure what the answer is for you, but I’ve finally figured it out for myself. Keep it all in perspective. You, like myself, are still young in the sport. After you beat yourself up about today’s performance, look at all the positives that running has brought you… think about how absolute fit (and hot) you are, and how running has helped you achieve that… think about the fact that you would’ve BQ’d today if you were a 20 year old chic… or just think about the fact that you don’t have the Epstein Barr virus, and will be running in a few days
.
Flo, you are a wonderful person, and I wish today would’ve played out in the way you wanted it to go, but it didn’t… and you will become a stronger, better, and faster runner from it.
Greg aka “GAT” aka “The Black Ninja” aka “Your 3:20 PT”
Hi Flo: YOU don’t suck. Your race today was suckful. Been there… twice in fact.. and like grieving for anything, you need to take time and cry, and be pissed, and feel sorry. But, then you will come out of this stronger; both mentally and physically from the race. It was so, so wonderful to meet you, and you were great to come to lunch and I know that helped. All in all, you have accomplished so much with your running in the past year, and have made some big personal changes as well. I admire your strength so much.
Hugs to you sweetie~
Way to represent past/present Washington Countians! I would LOVE to run a shitty 3:33:59 at Memphis in two weeks, so I don’t wanna hear no pity party out of you. There is an art to making lemonade out of lemons, and to get a 3:33 out of a crappy run is an accomplishment (kinda like my cramp-riddled 3:48 in Oregon, only better).
Aw, honey. We all have sucky races, and I guess this was yours. Still, you got a shiny new PR which is still way better than mine, and we both have a date in Boston.
Oh… that wasn’t what I was hoping to read. I’m sorry. I cracked up at how much of your report sounded exactly like what I experienced today, though. I know today and the next few days will be tough, but you’ll bounce back. You have to. Go run that 5K and give it hell. It really will make you feel better. Oh and all that about this being your 2nd marathon, and a BQ, and all that — I know it might not help much right now, but it is true. You set the bar really high for yourself and most people would have been thrilled with your time today. I know it’s tough, but try to keep that in perspective.
I was looking for you but never saw you, but my sister said she saw you come into the finish with a nice grin on your face… I had a crappy race as well with my foot killing me and having to walk and run. I managed a 3:52 but like everyone else said we all have bad races and I guess today was that race.
Flo- I’ve been thinking of what to say, but hell nothing will make you feel any better but time.
However I have to say this….it is damn amazing that someone can walk/run for 8 miles and still come in at 3:33 (I mean dang it Flo how many can say that).
Take sometime to be pissed about how today’s race went, no one can fault you for that. Then get your ass back on the road, and just run for you. You were the one that pointed out this was only your second marathon…..and I better be able to witness number three. I’ve already started working on my cheering route and the signs for the big day (ok yes I know that is a selfish request, but I also know there is more to come from Flo).
(((HUGS)))
Stevi
Flo, even though you were almost an hour faster than I was at Philly last year, your race was a lot like mine was, with going too fast at the wrong time, feeling like crap on Kelly Dr., being passed by the pace group I thought I was faster than, and seeing my pace get slower and slower as I proceeded through endless Manayunk and back down Kelly Dr. Do you remember how I rolled my eyes at you at mile 25? And I said no more marathons for me. A whole year later, and I’m ready to try again. Yes, the race sucked. Yes, the marathon is a bitch. And yes, I’ll give it another shot. And I’ll bet you will, too.
Obviously the race didn’t go the way you had wanted. Sometimes our bodies have a mind of their own – speaking of mind – let your mind go where ever it needs to go tonight . . . then get up tomorrow morning and give yourself credit for running a 3:33 marathon and then start working on recovery.
I can tell that you are a driven women and are often your own worse critic. There will be more marathons . . . . ;-)
ok, you know how I feel about all of this, but I will tell you what Kelsey told me when I DNF Philly.
You have tomorrow to feel sucky about it.
And that’s it.
Then you have to get over it.
And I promise next time we’ll have A FUCKING PLAN where to meet!
Flo, I loved your race report. You have such a great way of expressing yourself especially finding humor at times when you were obviously frustrated. I’ve watched/read your training times these many months and today’s race was just a “bad day” for you. Your training times have been awesome and represent to me at least your best race is yet to come. I would like to state however your time was extremely respectable! I’ve ran a total of six marathons and I’ve had to walk in three of them for one reason or other. Although, I too hate the feeling of “giving up” what I’ve learned from those three incidents is that it’s a freakin marathon. It’s meant to be physically and mentally challenging. There are so many factors that can make anyone of us crash & burn during a race (i.e. wind, weather, going out to fast, not carbo loading properly, & unforeseen muscle or blister issues, etc). But I’ve come to accept that if I want to truly “race” a marathon and go for broke it may brake me and I may have to walk. I don’t think that makes anyone suck. Learn from the experience, have another bloody mary (I love them too) and prepare for your next one when you feel the time is right. Oh, and I’m glad you kept the “bear” at bay.. that was just way to funny..
Respectfully,
Your 3:20 thread pal
Dang – sounds like the race I ad only faster. Wish I had seen you at some point this weekend but we can meet up at the next marathon (you know, the one we both kick ass at!)
Flo, I am wrapping my arms around you in a big way. I admire and respect how you approached Philly (only your second marathon) and know that race you envisioned is in you, it just wasn’t today. I think I know you and I know today’s performance will be played out in your future races in the name of “I AM NOT A GIVER UPPER” because nobody trains as hard as you have, met some challenging goals along the way and is a ‘giver upper’. You know, and we know what you’re made of…3:33 with walking shows how much guts you have out there when you decided it wasn’t your day. Love you girl. XOXOXO Jackie/HG
Sometimes you’re the bug.
I’m in shock. I can’t believe this happened. You were so ready. Is it the curse of marathon #2? I hope you figure this out and kill the next one. What did you tell yourself to avoid the DNF?
Flo, You are one of my favorites, and you can bring eggs and coffee to my table anytime.
Jaysummer4
As if saying “you suck” is going to make you feel better. You don’t. Marathon results are best sat on for a few weeks. I was going to say the line that you did: “[I] am actually amazed that with all that walking the time wasn’t that bad.” Next time Flo, you’ll run the 3:17, 3:10, whatever. And there’s no such thing as a ‘dig deep’ gene. It’s damn hard to dig deep when you get the early pacing in a marathon even slightly wrong. You’ll dig deep next time.
Oh Flo. I really feel for you right now. There’s been tons of great advice to you so far in these comments. Here’s some more -
The marathon is a beast. I have had more of them that didn’t go as planned than did. You never know what race day will bring. It absolutely sucks to put your heart into something and not get back what you think and feel like you deserved and worked for. It sucks and it you’re only proving to be human by being disappointed. And I don’t blame you one bit. If you want to be pissy for a few days, feel free. I made a rule a few years ago to let the marathon sink in for a week (at least) before I decide how to proceed. There’s no rush.
One thing you should do is learn from today and the cycle. What worked? What didn’t? What could you do better? Ask yourself this when you get around to it. Take your time.
Your hard work this cycle will reward you. It just didn’t today and that sucks. But you’re still awesome and still hilarious and the RR was still funny. The near-bear attack made me spit out some water I was drinking. Thanks for the mention too ;-)
Can’t wait to talk to you soon!
Zab
Flo,
Already said, but you don’t suck. Not anywhere close. You would have quit long before the threat of a bear attack if you did. You did a great job. It may not be what you wanted, but a huge PR and a BQ. We’re not going to have great races every time. It doesn’t work that way. Chalk it up to a bad day, get some rest, recover and get ready for Boston. You can get your 3:17 there! That was a great report by the way. Thanks for sharing and for your humor. Take care Flo.
Steve
Flo- Cut it out! You were still in a good mood when I last saw you
We both struggled through the race, but the important thing is how we finished. Lame, I know…but it’s true. It’s SO HARD to tell what’s going to happen on race day, but at least we have the cajones to try. Bryan said to me, and I quote “Flo is pretty amazing”. Duh.
I honestly think some of this may be due to the fact that this is only your SECOND MARATHON. Which means, it’s only your second marathon training cycle. We get stronger as we do more and more at this distance, and soon (i.e. Boston) your race will line up with the way you train. It sucks you had to learn about disappointment today, but you’ll appreciate that sweet victory all the more when you nail that 3:17 next time
Love you babe!
Amy
I’m going to tell you something that Audra told me and then she made me believe it (well, I did a little bit)- YOU RAN A PR!!!!!! Don’t discount that! Many marathoners, including me, spend years working their times down by a few minutes here and there. That’s okay! With that being said, I do have to disagree w/ 2 points of your RR. You ARE in 3:20 shape, yesterday just wasn’t your day. 2. You DO have a competitive edge. It just didn’t show itself in the way you would’ve liked. You still rock in a major way. Listen to everyone- regroup and get back out there.
You have to take the good with the bad. You ran a sizeable PR, even though it wasn’t what you were looking for. We all know you are in sub 3:20 shape. Unfortunately this is the nature of the beast…you spend months training for a single day where you are hoping that X number of variables will all suddenly be perfect for around 3 hours. It just wasn’t your day, you are entitled to be pissed off and bitch about it. For now. Great job regardless and I’m looking forward to seeing you in Boston.
Hi Flo (GIM – LOVE that name!),
Though I am not super active I do follow your posts and training on the MRT/Women’s BQ forum. I admire and have learned alot from you. With that said please don’t be too hard on yourself for yesterday’s effort. I’m not going to say “chin, up, etc” because I think we all need this mourning time after a race that does not go well but just use it to your advantage. It is hard to adjust your goals/mindset mid race like you did and not TOTALLY give up. Having the ability to do that and continue like you did is pretty commendable.
And I’m not even going to say that running a 3:33 for your SECOND marathon is pretty amazing to me! Congratulations on a stellar time and PR.
I had faced a pretty big disappointment after MCM this year – but now it’s a month later and I am SO RARING to go to achieve my goal. So the yucky feeling will pass and you will be back stronger than ever.
Congratulations again!
Bettina
I am so rolling my eyes and laughing at the Giver Upper and not digging deep assessment,– what ev’s.
First off Missy you ran a huge freaking PR. AWESOME! Congrats.
Second, EVERYONE has a race like this, heck some of us, and I am not naming any names, have MANY races like this. So, here is what it is and why you are not a “giver upper” or a “dig deeper” these are the races that make us work harder, push harder, dig deeper. These craptastic, dream shattering races are what makes us better runners. This race my friend is not the hallmark of your fitness but rather a learning experience. It was just not your day to run 3:20. But I have no doubt your day will come.
Congrats again!
You know my thoughts already. Mourn your crappy race. Analyze it to death. And then move on. It’s a process. One of these days it’ll just be another funny story.
I totally get the blown confidence part – I think that’s the hardest part to get past. If you figure it out, let me know.
And you do NOT suck and you are NOT a giver upper – so there.
Sorry about the epic fail as pit crew – now THAT sucked.
Kat
Oh, do I ever know how you feel. I’m so sorry.
Mourn the loss. You’ll probably feel really bad about this for awhile. Then move on. You don’t need my pep talk, as telling you that you came in at least and hour and a half earlier than the average female marathoner in this country does — in your second go round, in your late forties, for God’s sake — isn’t going to help. You’re a high achiever and the price that comes with that is crushing disappointment over race times that the majorityof runners would be thrilled to achieve.
If things are still screwy with your 5K stuff, go get a blood/ferritin and vitamin D, B and thyroid workup while you’re recovering, just to rule out anything there. You may have something else going on other than a badly timed “off day.”
All that work you did to prepare for this wasn’t wasted. It will eventually pay off. I’m also struggling lately with being able to connect the fantastic gains in fitness and stellar workouts to race day. I haven’t given up and neither should you.
Finally, as for not being a “digging deep” runner, knock that off right now. Sometimes you can dig all you want and there’s just nothing there. Yesterday was one of those days.
We’ve all had races like this Flo (only I travelled across the country for mine).
Before you know it, Philly will be ancient history. You’ll soon pick a new goal race and then begin tweaking your training. It’s a never ending cycle…Enjoy the holiday season and get back after it in the new year!
Let me add to the “You Do NOT Suck!” chorus with a few additional rounds of everyone having bad races sometimes, even when well trained and being as ready as you can get, physically and mentally, for the big day.
I know it doesn’t make you feel better now-but I fully believe that you just had a bad day out there and WILL get to that 3:20. You lopped off a ton of time, and people who suck don’t grow as exponentially as you did on a bad day.
Marathons are hard and although I’ve never trained for one, I can understand how it must feel to be disappointed in yourself. Flo, all that awesome training is going to pay off. Go ahead finish feeling crappy coz after that you’re getting back on the horse.
*Big hug*
[...] Flo blew up. [...]
Congrats Flo! You did great! I’ve had worse marathon let downs, and I know how that hour long wandering at the finish line feels.
Rest up take a week or two off. Enjoy Thanksgiving and start fresh after Christmas!
-AtlanticWaterman
Flo, I’m sorry you had a “craptastic, dream shattering” race (can’t say it better than Nat). Thanks for the report. It helped me to read this, and not in a nasty schadenfreude way. I wonder why “marathon pace” some days is so different from others, with no logical reason.
Take care,
Mere
Flo, I really enjoyed reading your race report. I know it didn’t turn out like you planned or are capable of. It was still a huge PR. If someone held a gun to my head and made me pick the best runner on the 3:20 thread I would pick you. Keep your chin up, you are incredible.
David
Oh, Flo. I just don’t know what to say, because everyone has said it so well. OK, I do want to say a few things – I can totally understand your disappointment (as can pretty much everyone else, I’m sure.) It is true that many, many things need to go right to get the race that we trained for, especially when we set aggressive goals for ourselves (and, missy, a 3:17 for a second marathon is an aggressive goal).
And while only you know whether you might have been capable of better yesterday, no one believes that you gave up or quit. Quitting would have been taking a DNF when you knew you wouldn’t make your goal. Giving up would have meant not being able to rouse yourself back to a run after those walk breaks. You dug, baby, and you dug deep. Maybe not as deep as you would have liked, but deeper than most would have your shoes. And as someone already pointed out, this experience will allow you to dig deeper next time.
That said, you deserve to wallow, if that’s what you want. I’ll even allow you more time than Audra. Wallow for a few days. Wallow for a week. But then regroup and rejoin us, because we want you to share your wisdom and your joy for running (and life).
Many, many hugs to you, Flo. You’re still my hero and my inspiration, and you always, always will be.
I was definitely curious to see your race report because I noticed, like me, you were planning on a sub 3:20 effort and had about the same half marathon time about the same period out. (I did a 1:33.20ish in Chicago this summer).
That said, I quite literally felt your pain reading this. Physical breakdown is one thing, that “what the fuck have I been doing and what went wrong” is another – and in my experience, a far more painful feeling.
That said, here are my comments:
1. You set a huge PR for your second marathon and had a nice age grade. I’m clearly not an optimist, but I am a realist. Its frustrating not to hit a goal, but all things considered, you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.
2. You’re still a relatively new runner by the looks of it. And by the looks of it, you’ve had some rapid improvement and have been working hard. That said, unfortunately, after some big drops in time the improvement curve gets…steeper even with additional effort. Your half indicates you can run a faster marathon (and in my experience a half is a reasonable indicator, if not a perfect one); I’d look at that and take this for what it sounds like: just not your best day.
3. Over the years, I’ve never quite mastered goal setting. Though sometimes your (universal your) race times don’t indicate your capabilities and its often better to underestimate what you can do with the hopes of besting it. I set a huge PR at Boston last year by overestimating the difficulty of the course and running a time I THOUGHT I good but didn’t make it a goal to hit on THAT course. (If you follow) I think goals have to be pretty fluid and I also think that little troubles work up to a lot of anxiety we don’t necessarily know is affecting us…and it does. Bottom line is you had a goal, you went for it, it didn’t work out. Does it mean that the goal was too ambitious? No, not necessarily. Did some of the pressure you may have placed on yourself make things tougher? Perhaps. Its worth thinking about. I tend to think the more relaxed you are about a goal, the easier it is to get there…though given that I recently wrote a post about my inability to set goals, take it with a grain of salt. (And do a shot of tequilla with it!)
4. I know you were questioning whether or not overtraining was part of your problem since it didn’t SEEM to be since you weren’t showing the usual symptoms. I think its worth playing around with training volume a bit because with marathon training there is always a balance of figuring out where your “too much” point is. Sometimes you may physically be able to TAKE the mileage, but its not always giving you a benefit. Its a tricky balance, and unfortunately, it usually takes a few missteps to find your best point. (To use myself again: I’ve had a hard time getting my mileage where I want due to super low iron absorption and resulting iron deficiency issues. The absorption rate is something not typically tested – if you get your iron checked ask for it.)
5. I’m just one out of many people commenting here, and I’m assuming like me, a lot of them don’t know you in person. I’ve enjoyed your writing because you’re clearly very tough – and I’m betting many others here share the same opinion. And tough runners come back stronger once they’ve failed to hit the goal – that’s just how it goes.
See you in Boston.
People are being too nice. You suck. Time to give up this silly marathoning business. Take up knitting.
(Boy, even though I’m joking that was tough to write. You are an amazing woman, and while I understand your need for a self pity party, I know you’ll be able to realize soon enough what an accomplishment this was. You’re an incredible runner!)
I think the digging deep thing is something that comes after you have a few under your belt. I know in my first few, I started walking when it hurt. Gradually I have been learning to withstand that pain. And P.S., I feel like a Giver Upper too (but I think I took a step in the right direction yesterday). I was looking around me and thinking, “I bet these people don’t run as much as me.” It’s like everyone else can train less and gut it out and still do pretty well, but I have to train my ass off to even have a shot because I don’t have the guts these people have. Once you get the training + guts thing worked out, you will be unstoppable. If you ever figure that out, let me know!!
congrats on a huge PR. just PR by the same number of minutes next time!
Dayum… I know how much this sux!! All the miles and effort to go down the drain!! I TOTALLY know how u feel… as I was reading your RR, I was saying “Man this is exactly how my race went”. I felt like crap Gallowalking near the end and having the 3:29 group pass me with 1 mile left, LOL. I’m out of my funk, and it will take time to get out of your funk! But I have realized, that this was my first year in doing this marathon thing, and it is YOUR first year doing it also, so you cant be too hard on yourself. You half time is a great indicator… but remember that these calculators dont neccessarily apply to beginners. I know a PR is secondary to reaching your goal, but it is a PR.
1 year ago, you ran 5ks and 10ks and were no where near your shape for your half time. Now look at your half time! As you run more, you will get stronger, and will be able to hold on in the latter miles of the marathon. That’s what I keep telling myself at least!! LOL. Just have fun doing it, and dont make it a chore!! If u do, then all of your work will go in vain! Look at your fitness, your physique, your health!! Running did that!!! Plus u got new friends that dont think its “weird” that u r out running, and support u!! Congrats on a Sucktacular race (that’s something I think you would say) LOL!!
Sorry you sucked so bad and in your local race. At least your travel and hotel was cheap. Enjoy a few weeks of recovery and then do what you feel. Your training was strong and I’m sure you have more PR’s in you. My first 2 marathons were walkers and I didn’t hit my goal time till my 6th so you are still learning. Maybe it is not you that sucks but it is the distance 26.2. Keep working at it and you will solve the mystery.
Congrats Flo! Sorry it was disappointing race for you, but it still is a great PR.
Hopefully hubby and I will see you at a race in the future.
Only because it’ll make you feel better… You suck. But I really don’t mean that, and you know I don’t. All I want to get into your head is do not give up. Swallow this pill and move forward. You are a good runner who happened to have a bad race. (Well, bad in your eyes). Learn from it and apply it to the next one. And I know there will be a next one! Your potential has not even come close to being tapped. For now, recover and relax. Run when you are fucking good and ready, and don’t run a step until that moment! Hugs.
I hear what you said about the names on bibs. I am not one to put my name on my bib, but I had so much fun at the Austin Marathon where they printed your first name on the bib. I enjoyed it a lot more than I though I would, especially late in the race when the inevitable struggle arrived.
If this is only your 2nd, then you can look forward to continued improvement in your next ones as you learn from the experiences! Good luck…
So what is the chances we’re running side by side for who knows how long until i hear my name and realize its you! I agree with what everyone else said… you still rock! You have Boston to look forward to (which i am very jealous of b/c i put off trying to register for until the 15th… to realize it closed on the 13th).
p.s i give you major props for fighting off the ‘bear attack’… you could have been the lady i saw pooping behind a tree (she thought she was hiding, but i would beg to differ) around mile 14.
I admire your honesty in saying that you thought your race sucked, and admitting that you think of yourself as a “Giver Upper.” Everyone wants to give up sometimes, at least you admit it. You are certainly capable of a much better race. I think focusing on positive aspects of your races will help you fight through giving up. Whenever I want to quit in a race, or sleep in and not go for a run at 6 AM when its cold, dark, and raining outside, I think to myself: “I never want to look back and wonder how fast I could have been.” Do you want to look back and think, wow, I think I could have run 3:17, 3:10, 3:00, etc, but I gave up/didn’t try hard enough? You can do it. And we (RWOL, and I’m sure your friends/family) are here to help.
Flo,
Be hard on yourself if you want. It’s okay. And I think quite understandable considering the time and effort that you’ve put into your training. However, by any objective standard, you still had a good race. Also, it was only your second marathon. FWIW, I had a good first marathon (3:25) and then crashed and had the same “Givver Upper” experience (I walked also) that you had in both my second (3:17) and third marathons (3:18). Although those two marathons were faster than my first, I wasn’t happy with either of them. So I understand where you’re coming from.
In any case, I think both of those bad experiences made me a much better marathoner. It can work that way for you also. It’s just about gaining both confidence and experience. Remember- it’s a marathon and it’s not suppose to be easy. Just keep at it (the smart training) and you’ll get the marathon results you’re seeking. Best of luck to you.
Looking forward to meeting you in Boston.